NOTE: “Matt” is British and the background music is very New Age and presumably royalty free.
Welcome to MindfulBLISS. My name is Matt, and for the next 10 minutes, we relax, and work to destress by focusing on relieving any sensations of anxiety.
*BELL DINGS*
Focus on finding a comfortable position. Perhaps sitting on one of your baby’s wooden Montessori-inspired toys, or laying on one of his other wooden Montessori-inspired toys.
Fully arrive into this position.
See yourself as you are right now. Except don’t actually look in the mirror, because it will scare and sadden you.
Bring your attention to the space between your eyebrows where you can no longer Botox. Relax your face fully.
As you exhale, focus on the sound of my voice. Wait, was that your baby whimpering? I thought he was napping. He’s supposed to be napping. Well, you better check on him.
OK. For the next nine minutes, commit yourself to focus solely on your well-being. Allow it to be your top priority.
There is nothing else you need to do.
There is nowhere else you need to be. Unless he makes another noise –wait, he just did.
You better go check again, just to make sure he’s really, definitely, fully breathing, even though you also have a video monitor you watch like live coverage of the Royal freakin’ Wedding.
On your next exhale, notice a new sense of calmness.
If you find your mind wandering at all, just re-center your mind –unless you forgot to turn on his noise machine, because then he might not nap as, like, deeply? Because of R.E.M. cycles? Anyway, you better go check.
OK. Gaze through your mind’s eye, and ask yourself –wait, is he totally, definitely, super-duper breathing ultra normally? Better go check.
Breathe in fully, allowing your breath to find total relaxation, in case in the monitor it kind of looks like his hand is in a weird position that’s not comfortable for him? Better check.
But also, while you’re there, check that his hand isn’t, too cold, or too hot, or too regular, but maybe call the pediatrician just to ask how his hand is supposed to feel?
OK. Now, we can begin —
He woke up.