Thank you for joining our gym! We’re so glad you decided to take advantage of our New Year’s special new membership rates. Please fill out this short questionnaire so that we may match you with the right personal trainer for your needs.
What are your fitness goals? (Weight loss/Toning/Dance)
Toning and core strengthening
Achieving, as Tina Fey once put it, “the body of a prostitute who never had kids”
Justifying all the overpriced Alo, Bandier, and otherwise “fitness” clothes I have purchased
Being 26
Trainer preferences: (Male/Female)
Whichever one won’t say the words “pelvic floor”
List your best times (Morning/Afternoon/Evening):
The time in early 2021 when I’d been on lockdown for 13 months with nothing to do but free Pelaton H.I.T.T. videos so I actually had abs
Every time I’ve ever been quietly panicking while waiting to board a winter flight because those Boarding Group A a-holes might snatch up all the overhead space, forcing my stuff to be tossed to the dreaded “belly of the plane,” but then magically there is enough space for my coat, bags, etc.
Speaking of flights, the time my toddler slept through almost an entire flight, passed out face down like an over-served frat boy at a New Year’s Eve party, so I was not, as was expected, the most hated person on the flight, I actually got to, get this, read a book.
8-9 AM on Tuesdays and Thursdays
Preferred gym location (Uptown Manhattan/Downtown Manhattan/Brooklyn/Non-NYC America):
Ideally, the gym would be in my bedroom so I don’t have to go outside in the cold, but if that’s not available, I guess Non-NYC America so I have an excuse not to go, because what even is that?
Describe your endurance level (Beginner/Medium/Advanced):
After any given workday, I can sit down and watch 3-5 episodes of Bravo’s Southern Charm, not just the new one. In fact, if there isn’t a new one, I’ve been known to start over with the pilot just to see the low production value and what Shep looked like before the effects of 43 years of binge drinking kicked in, and watch it till I must have fallen asleep because I wake up on the couch next to a half-eaten bowl of cereal and also it’s morning.
Advanced.
Interests (Boxing/Pilates/Yoga/Dance/Swimming):
Looking like I work out to the point that people think it’s, like, a problem without actually working out
Proving wrong the adage “abs start in the kitchen!”
Gym quitting policy