Halt the presses, hide your dads (and your cheeseboards): The Real Housewives of New York reboot is upon us.
Variety
New Era, New York.
For those not fluent in Bravo, after 13 seasons of UES shenanigans, including one particularly painfully peak-Covid season, Bravo shook the earth by canceling The Real Housewives of New York, firing all the white women who clutched their Pinot Grigios every time they had to go to *gasp* Tribeca (not counting Leah and Tinsley in this group, who were wonderful), and recasting a group of women actually (at least more) representative of the diverse cultures and neighborhoods that make up this fine city. So now instead of the Countess & Co., we have *drumroll please*:
Fashion influencer Sai, with a swank Brooklyn brownstone and handsome husband who retired at, like, 40, to watch the kids while she squats on Greene Street in cool āfits for Insta and not eating cheese.
āModel and hot sauce mavenā Ubah, who we donāt know a lot about yet except that she doesnāt care for theme parties and does not have a potassium deficiency.
āInterior designer selling real estateā Erin, who hosts a fun Seder in which we meet her dad who is somehow not Ron Perlman.
J.Crew Creative Director-turned-eyelash-pusher and apparent bra-phobic, Jenna Lyons; eponymous alum of the original Max Original, Stylish with Jenna Lyons.
PR maven Jessel, whose little boys are not named Jax or Jagger; a Bravo first?!
Corporate comms & marketing consultant Brynn, who opens the show by (facetiously) calling all the women ābitches and whores. But all really great moms.ā Obviously, we love her already.
Jennaās shoe closet, not officially a Housewife, but such a presence it demands ample screen time. This franchiseās Marlo?
Vulture
Erin vs. Brynn
Erin and Ubah meet in Washington Square Park ā which is not the Upper East Side, and does not include Ramonaās squawking or direct views of Tom DāAgostinoās balcony, so already demonstrates an evolution from the old show. As does Brynnās comment in Saiās gorgeous probably Park Slope townhouse that Brooklyn is āso chic,ā and ālike, a vibe,ā which it is, and which everyone has known since at least 2007. Except Ramona, Sonja, and Luanne, may their celebrity Rest In Peace.
Anyway, our first fight comes in the form of Erin telling Ubah she is still peeved with Brynn and Sai over what she ominously calls āthat nightā. A night, we gather, in which Erin planned a dinner at a tired Manhattan restaurant that Brynn and Sai ditched to go to Casa Cipriani, then Instagram about the fab time they were having not at this tragically unnamed uncool restaurant. (Was is Carmines? Serafina? I will not rest till itās unearthed). The producers had the decency/irony to bleep the doomed establishmentās name, which makes the whole thing all the more delightful. (Guyās American Kitchen & Bar?)
BravoTV.com
Winner: Brynn
Brynn, whose catch phrase is āIāll get mad, Iāll date your dad,ā is hilariously catty about it (āWait, itās not 2006? And Iām not a D-list modelā), and says sheād only be caught dead at that place if she āhad friends visiting from Florida.ā As someone from Florida, I think a more accurate burn would be āfrom not Palm Beach, Miami, or Jupiter Island, Florida,ā but she has a point. The only thing cooler than going to Butter is not going to Butter, and definitely not whatever Sway-era spot Erin was hosting, and she wins.
BravoTV.com
Erin vs. Sai vs. Cheese
According to Sai, Erin is āalways arguing with someone or mad at someone,ā which should make her Bravo gold. Time will tell, but for now, we are 5 minutes into the reboot and she has beef (and cheese) with two wives.
The Allegation: At some point off-camera, Erin hosted something in which she deigned to put out a cheese plate; Sai did not eat said cheese, and scoffed āthatās weirdā. It becomes a heated debate referred to as āCheese-gateā several times throughout the episode, crescendo-ing with Jenna inviting everyone over for dressed-coded Girls Night In and intentionally serving not just every cheese this side of Dean & Deluca, but fondue. She explains this with, ācheese is my friend. And itās my house.ā Jenna seems perfect for Bravo.
Winner: Cheese
Everyone ends up eating Jennaās cheese and tottling home bloated with gas like Valentino-clad Violet Beauregardes. I personally donāt eat cheese, but recognize itās so expected whilst hosting, itās not serving it āthatās weirdā. The cheese stands alone, victorious.
Side note: Erin describes Jenna as āa bit of an odd-ballā for doing crazy things like ānot liking dill, but loving parsley.ā
Who loves dill who isnāt a baked salmon?
If the bar for eliciting sh*t-talking is this low in this new funhouse mirror reflection of NYC, we are in for a whole new level of Scary Island, and I am here for it every minute that Mario Singer is not.
Cut to Mario throwing a tennis racket somewhere in the Hamptons.
All the ladies vs. Khaki
Jenna invites the āwives over for a āGirls Night Inā. But you can take the girl out of J.Crew, but not the Khaki out of the J.Crew girlās wardrobe, so the night has a strict dress code of āblack, gold, or khakiā. All the ladies go totally Singer Stinger and trashing khaki so hard youād think it touched the Morgan Letters.
Winner: All the ladies
The ladies show up dressed for a cheese plate funeral, and Jenna explains that khaki is actually a color not a chino. For the first time since #Scandoval, I learned something. That said, Ubah sums things up perfectly by reminding us that sheās a model, and the only time khaki is good is on safari.
Jennaās clothes vs. Erin & Brynn
Erin & Brynn scamper off to Jennaās bedroom to hash out Serafina-gate. They make up in two seconds and turn their attention to Jennaās airplane hanger of a closet. Erin sits in and breaks Jennaās probably $20,000 slipper chair while trying on Jennaās Choos, and they both put on her clothes before rushing in to wreck havoc to the grownup party like the Linda Blair inThe Exorcist. Jenna is (understandably) visibly annoyed that they raided her closet, and even more so when they group hug and the sequins on her jacket catches the lace on her shirt.
Winner: Jennaās clothes
Jenna quietly tells the camera that Brynn is wearing the shirt backwards and itās ānot chic.ā Burn! Jennaās dog also drinks coffee, her candles are longer than my spine, and she has 380 pairs of shoes. Erin tries to go all realtor on us by saying Jennaās apartment layout is āfunky,ā but which one of them plans group dinners at the Times Square M&M Store?
This entire episode was delightfully petty and gives me such high hopes for the new show, Iāve lost all interest in RHOC.