When I used to work for Bravo, there was one rule. Well, there were many rules, but there was one that’s relevant: don’t ever pit the wives against each other. Well, they’re no longer the boss of me, so here’s the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, broken down wife v. wife.
I wasn’t going to do this episode since nothing friggin’ happened and last week was 4th of July so I was —dare I say it— enjoying my family and the one million degree heat instead of watching Bravo, but in the spirit of consistency, here goes:
All the wives vs. IMDB
We pick up in Montana, where Heather is livid to learn that Tamra and Taylor pulled up her IMDB and made fun of her “career,” as in, her pre-Terry acting ambitions as a knock-off Fran Drescher, and saying crazy thing like, “she hasn’t worked much since the 90’s,” which is crazy considering she married an uber successful plastic surgeon, had four kids, became a reality personality for being a rich housewife, and hasn’t worked much since the 90’s. All the ladies have trouble pronouncing “I-M-D-B,” which is hilarious considering how concerned they are with each other’s TV credits.
Tamra immediately throws Taylor under the bus and gets everyone naked wasted because that is Tamra’s love language, she and drunk Shannon throw gummy bears on the floor, and Heather very loudly announces she’s cleaning them up because she’s had many acting lessons and knows how to pro-ject.
Winner: All The Wives
If a tree has a non-SAG U-5 role in the woods, and no one updates IMDB, does the website really matter? I know it credits my work on 3 episodes of a show I worked 66 episodes on, so for all we know Heather has actually been clocking 20 hour days on K-Dramas for the last 30 years. Though I doubt it.
Taylor vs. Tamra
Taylor thinks since she and Tamra had so much fun together and really bonded on Ultimate Girls Trip, sorry “a trip,” together, they are “better friends than that,” she wouldn’t try to pin the whole “Heather hasn’t worked since the 1900’s,” thing on her. Aw, Taylor! Mrs. Judge is an agent of chaos and, like CUT fitness, this friendship is now closed.
Winner: Tamra.
It’s been a while since Taylor has been a real Real Housewife, and she’s going to have wise up and realize that Heather is this franchise’s LVP (meaning, has the biggest house and the rest are all a little jealous/afraid of her), and she best start kissing the Chanel ring.
Tamra vs. Gina
Whilst shoveling literal sh*t, Gina tries to “be a good friend to Heather” by suggesting Tamra is exhibiting a pattern of shadiness and was actually trashing her treasured IMDB full of 1993 ABC multi-cam pilots that didn’t go.
Winner: Tamra
Heather ultimately calls Gina out for trying to insert herself in someone else’s war. Translation: Heather is still peeved Gina didn’t invite her to bar parties with no food so she could politely decline and have an excuse to refer to herself as “Fancy Pants,” and is in no mood to take her side over a more established Housewife. She wants Gina as a lackey to buzz her closet “Champs” button, not an equal.
Tamra vs. Jen vs. Gina
As if she didn’t have enough drama with everyone else in Southern California, Tamra now sets her sights on Jen, the friend she just brought on the show. She tells Shannon (and later everyone) that Ryan — the CUT Fitness gym rat who, Jen just left her four kids and husband for — is known as the “town whore,” cheated on her, and most of all, when he first walked into CUT, pointed at Tamra and said “I’m going to f*ck her.” Of course she did. This all goes back to Tamra Barney clinging to the self-proclaimed title of “Hottest Housewife in the OC” like a dog like Ryan to apparently any married cougar South of the Bay Area.
Gina lost her husband, Matt, to “infidelity,” as she puts it, and is still so triggered by this she has to physically leave the room whenever someone mentions Jen’s infidelity to her ex-husband who I guess is called Will. But yet, she elected to sleep in the Bunk House with Jen a zillion miles and socioeconomic levels below the Villa or whatever they call the Main House? Gina finally snaps at the bonfire and tries to call her boyfriend, Travis, to cry about how not over her horrible ex-husband she is, but thankfully for their six kids, Heather intervenes and drops some wisdom like only someone who has had thirty years of the best therapy Terry’s money can buy (and not wasting her days schlepping all over LA auditioning for things Fran passed on) can.
Winner: The producers who decided to un-pause Tamra.
Jen is clearly in a real pickle for leaving her family for the slimiest man on TV who’s not TheWeeknd, and the sooner the ladies make her accept this, the better.
Even with her new oversized blazers, Gina is still too fragile to play with the big dogs a.k.a. Housewives over 40, even though she’s “from New York”.
Love her or hate her, who needs a CUT Fitness treadmill when Tamra can run circles this easily around the New One, the Young One, and the Newly Back One?