Hello. It’s me. Sorry for the hiatus, I’ve been banging on the window of Provisions in Sag Harbor with Ubah. (Just kidding because, it’s a friggin’ grocery store, not Elaine’s wedding at the end of The Graduate).
Anyway, here is the latest and greatest episode of the Real Housewives of New York, broken down squabble by squabble:
Rhianna vs. Not Stealing
We find the ladies at Cap Juluca in Anguilla, amidst a huge to-do about Jenna flying down two days early to work on her base tan, stay at the Four Seasons, and avoid flying coach (all pretty reasonable, if you ask me). She’s confided her loath of economy class (gasp!) to Erin when Erin brought her soup to help Jenna recover from dental surgery/manipulate her into sharing something she can immediately weaponize against her to the group. This will all be covered soon, but this paragraph is about Ubah walking out with her cup and Brynn saying “that’s very Rhianna of you,” because Riri apparently as collection of cups and bottles she’s lifted from dining establishments. The billionaire.
WINNER: Not Stealing.
At the risk awaking the wrath of the Navy, it really irks me when people steal things for no reason and try to pass it off as a personality trait. Maybe because I had some very nice face cream disappeared from my vanity once by a “friend” at a party who was “too drunk to remember”. Hilarious, but also, maybe don’t steal? Or if you must steal, give it back?
Sai vs. Underwear
As they walk out the villa door for dinner, Erin asks Sai if she’s wearing underwear in her fingercuff of a dress. Sai’s response: “I don’t have time for underwear.”
WINNER: Underwear
Sai is probably my favorite new New York Housewife, but this isn’t 2008, and she isn’t Paris/Lilo/Britney. And there’s sand in Anguilla. Like, a lot of sand. Let’s all wear underwear.
Brynn vs. Erin
OK, so Erin is mad at Brynn for flirting with her husband Abe at Abe and Erin’s (sponsored) wedding anniversary party right before their vows, and reminding him that should he and Erin get divorced, Brynn is single. It comes up again at dinner because, yah, and half the table takes Brynn’s side honestly I think just because Brynn looks better in clothes. (And also maybe because having as many sponsors “as a Coachella poster” is a really Kardashian weird move for something as personal as wedding anniversary.
WINNER: Erin
Her party did look a little well-lit but that’s no excuse to a) show up in white, b) loudly say “don’t worry it’s sponsored!” when someone’s hair catches on fire c) OB-vi-OUS-ly flirt with her husband and d) call it boring. Brynn is my second favorite of this cast, but is heavily flirting with being their Brandi Glanville (shudder).
Jenna vs. Coach
The ladies are clearly embarrassed they didn’t think of being too good for coach first, and somehow twist it into the classic reality show “just be real with us, girl!” gripe. Jenna responds by sharing lots of rough personal stuff about her mother’s Asperger’s and emotional neglect. Not to be outdone, Jessel hilariously takes us on an insane odyssey of a sob story about how she had to suffer through a (gasp) fashion internship where she (double gasp!) had to unpack boxes instead of schmooze backstage at fashion week. The intern didn’t get to split a blini Tom Ford? Oh boy, somebody call C.P.S.
WINNER: Jenna
Coach sucked even before all the airlines made a conscious effort to make air travel as unpleasant as possible, and Jessel’s likability, much like TriBeCa, is best described as “up-and-coming”.
“What else, what else?”
Something to see: My husband and are watching Matthew Broderick play against type on
“Painkiller”. Can be a bit triggering for anyone who has lost loved ones to the Opioid crisis, but they do a great job of attempting the Adam McKay treatment (aka making a heavy/complex subject matter almost a comedy via fun writing and idiot-proof explainer montages). It’s basically a music video with OxyContin inserts. Highly recommend.Something to read: “Three Simple Rules for Protecting Your Data” in The Atlantic. As someone who was recently told ever-so-calmly by my bank that they had a security breach and subsequently my info might be on the dark web (!), I’m here to remind you that cybercrimes are up over 600% since Covid, and AI is only making it worse. Paging John Conners.
On the lighter side, this New Yorker profile of Saul Goodman a lawyer hell-bent on making Big Food pay for sourcing “Fiji” water from New Jersey and such was a tasty read.
Something to think about: Why haven’t they tried Real Housewives of Chicago yet? Or Charleston? I know we already have Southern Charm, but I met a delightful real Charleston housewife at a wedding this weekend, and would much prefer more of that to the spinoff about Leva’s nightclub.
That’s all for this week, best of luck avoiding heatwaves and fake cold medicine!