Wives Out: RHONY Season 14 Finale!
Or, the only thing harder than not mentioning "Connecticut" is spelling it.
The first season of the new Real Housewives of New York ended Sunday, leaving us feeling like Sai waiting for Jessel to bother to show up for the lunch Jessel scheduled on a weekday she doesn’t consider a weekday. Frustrated, surprised, and a little bored. Nevertheless, here were the fights:
Jessel v. Erin
Jessel’s side: Erin said it was “weird” that Jessel’s husband, Pavit, is flying from NYC to Vietnam for 24 hours “for points,” doesn’t wear a wedding ring and, oh ya, he and Jessel have been celibate for a year and a half. Well, all knew something was off in Casa Taank the second we saw how much white was in their decor choices when they have twin toddlers. Personally, I think she is choosing not to ask Pavit if he’s cheating because she doesn’t want to sleep with him anyway. Which is a choice.
Erin’s side: Jessel called Erin a “pet parrot” for I guess agreeing with her friends sometimes? Or eating crackers, like with her caviar or on the cheese plates of Cheeseplate Gate? Unclear.
WINNER: Erin
Sorry to break it to you Jessel, but your husband one million percent either has a secret family in Hanoi, or is preparing for a regular old sex junket. Amex called me last week to offer me 75,000 points for getting a new card — something a heck of a lot lower lift than boarding a flight across the world — and I couldn’t be bothered. Pavit is not going there for a Bahn Mi.
Beckett vs. Jenna’s Celine Jumpsuit
Jenna holds up a bunch of wardrobe options from her closet/museum of fabric, and her teen son tells it to her straight.
WINNER: Beckett
Love Jenna but is putting together your color story for Brynn’s Venetian birthday party really how your son wants to spend his visitation?
Ubah vs. Connecticut
Ubah’s side: After Brynn, Sai, and Erin swore to keep Ubah’s (probably married?) secret CT boyfriend in the “circle of trust,” Brynn of course announces it to everyone at her birthday party.
CT’s side: Ubah responds by saying “if you mention Connecticut, I will circumcise you.” Yikes. Not even to say the roads are good?
WINNER: CT
While it’s definitely not cool that Brynn breached the Circle of Trust, Ubah, like Shannon Storms Beador before her, agreed to be on a reality show, so personal details are going to come out. And Brynn craves attention like Pavit craves a Bahn Mi. Sorry, Ubah’s boyfriend’s probably wife in probably Greenwich.
RHONY Season 14 Finale vs. me
RHONY’s side: In typical Bravo fashion, the ladies spent the bulk of the last episode of the season at a party, where they got into a screaming match. It ended with snippets of what each one is currently up to, none of which was very interesting.
My side: Um, this was it? Nothing happened, and the ‘wives in general were way too self-aware and savvy (most of them are influencers, so it tracks) to say or do anything truly cringeworthy, except Jessel who truly believes TriBeCa is up-and-coming and the Dead are a metal band. The most scandalous part of this episode was Brynn’s see-through outfit, and at this point I need another famous person in sheer clothing like I need a 12 hour trip to Vietnam.
WINNER: Andy Cohen, I guess?
The first season of the much-lauded reboot was OKKKK. I mean, I watched it, which is more than I can say for last season of Salt Lake, so I guess that’s a win. Next year I hope they swap out one or two of the ladies for blazers and cropped tops owned by Jenna.
“What else…what else?”
Something to read: Harpers Perennial sends me free books with the understanding that I’ll read and/or post about them. Yesterday, “The Revivalists” by Christopher M. Hood arrived. It’s about a Shark Flu (*cough, cough* Covid novel), and written by the head of the The Dalton School’s creative writing department. This will all be on the midterm.
Something to watch: “The 1988 American science fiction action horror film written and directed by John Carpenter, based on the 1963 short story ‘Eight O’Clock in the Morning’ by Ray Nelson” (thanks Wikapedia!) is on Prime. What’s it about? Who is '“they”? Well, those are just the kind of questions they’d want me to answer. Watch if you love sunglasses and flannel (so, everyone in Brooklyn).
Something to think about: This week I was featured in the charming
NYC-centric newsletter for an account of my former super/abuser Tony, who, like many New Yorkers, had strong feelings about many things. I had the pleasure of meeting the wildly-popular newsletter’s writer, , at a real life gathering of Substack writers and readers last weekend (hi, new friends !). SoA) the next time someone annoys the heck out of you, keep in mind that, as Nora Ephron put it, “everything is copy” and it could be a fun story read by thousands someday.
B) meeting people IRL is fun and energizing. Really! Try it!